It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
