Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Two words: blizzard sex
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
