Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Randomize
