i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
