my vag is so smooth its legendary
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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