Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
