She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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