take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
