For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
