A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
whose ass print is on the piano?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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