A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
