Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
