just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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