Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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