I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
