would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
