My nipple is on Facebook.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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