You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Just high enough for therapy.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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