I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
