hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
