I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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