she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
