Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
