I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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