I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
