I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm like, not good at living.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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