The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
