please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
