do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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