tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
