She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
