I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
