I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
