When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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