i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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