no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
