Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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