can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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