walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
