if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
