I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
