I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
