I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
