it hurts more in the daytime
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
