let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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