We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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