i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
