I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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