the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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