I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Two words: nipple clamps
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